So it's been way, way too long since a post. But life has been crazy. There are times where I don't even get to check my email. Or thank goodness for mobile email and facebook because its sometimes 1 am and I quick check things before falling asleep.
Things have been pretty calm. We did have a trip to Ft Carson for an evaluation with the VA, which was a joke. I love that the military and VA are trying to work together and make it a streamline process for our soldiers but for us... it was a waste of tax payers money. But a nice little vacation, although kind of a stressful one, for us.
Because we have already done VA process here and he already has a rating, it was redundant for him to do it again. But they said they were "specially trained". HA! The dr sat him down and asked him questions about what was bothering him and how long it had been going on, how he had hurt himself, and then sat him on the table and looked in his ears, nose, throat, and set us on our way. To a civilian eye dr, who dilated his eye to check them. And that was it! Not even all what they said they were going to do. And everything they did, was already in his file. So they paid for 2 soldiers, because they had to send an escort with my husband (that's a whole other little post as to why) via plane, hotel for 2 nights for them, in 2 rooms because they don't put soldiers together, and car rental. Sometimes I just want to take over the government and take care of some serious stupid things like this. I bet some of us could find plenty of money that is wasted that could be well spent and still balance the budget! SIGH!
And the 4th.... sigh.... So I love the 4th. I love the meaning behind it. I love the patriotism. I love the family activities, parades, BBQs. I love the fireworks... usually. So far this year, I'm not loving it so much. The fireworks have been so loud and so often this year around our house that it has not been good for my husband. Most of the time if he knows they are coming he is ok. But they were so loud and they were going until after midnight last night. It was awful. And he wouldn't go to sleep last night. So now, he is still fighting going to sleep, because he doesn't want the nightmares. But if he stays up, it will be 10 times worse tonight. He gets on edge and every little sound sets him off. I'm worried that tonight is going to have a bad flashback episode.
And it's hard when people around us don't understand that. Someone responded when he said he used to like the 4th, that we could come hang with them. Be a part of the parade and fireworks and all of it. LOL What this person has no understanding of, is what all of that does to him, what it reminds him of. Then a friend, who does understand, put up a post after and so wonderfully put in a way that shouldn't offend. Saying that she understands that the fireworks remind him of where he was. I love that friend! If I had put something like that up, I would be more of the evil wife, but she could put it up and this other person might go, "Oh.. I hadn't thought of that" and be ok.
My sister in law is coming in from out of town and we are all suppose to sleep over at in laws tonight. In laws have a big flag ceremony in the morning, bright and early. We probably wouldn't sleep over anyway, because its so crazy with that many people and we live close enough anyway. But I asked if they would take kids because of him. I don't know if they will, just because it's already going to be so crazy with everyone else. But we'll see. Even if they will just take older ones because they can take care of themselves, and I can get youngest to sleep and he'll stay asleep. I worry if husband has flashback that it will scare the kids. They haven't seen a bad one, just the ones where he is spacey and snaps out of it ready to spring, mostly. (Except for our one child a few months ago.) But these upset the older ones a lot. They worry about him a lot.
I just want him to sleep. Take his meds and sleep... Is that too much to ask? Tomorrow, flag ceremony, lots of family until he can't handle it anymore, take him home and then the kids and I will go to friends for BBQ and watch fireworks and come home. Hopefully he will play his computer and be ok. But I can't stop my life and the kids for him. we can't stop living all the time for him. He has to learn to get better. He has to do it himself. I can't do it for him. I can't make him better. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Only he can.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
People judging what they don't know
Why is it that people who don't live the life, think that they know and can judge you? They don't know what goes on behind closed doors. They don't live with you 24/7. They don't see everything, hear everything, know everything. So how can they judge whether you are taking good enough care of him or not? Whether what you are doing is good for him or not??
It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does. I should just let it go and remind myself of these very things above and so therefore let it go, but it hurts! These people who I love so very much, hate me! I thought that after the summer from H@$$, we were starting to get over and put things in the past and they were starting to understand things. Apparently not.
They judge me based on what little they see, what little they know and their feelings in the grief process that they are going through. I am different and put on a mask in front of everyone. Everyone is different in public and in front of people than they are in private. Even in front of their own family. Who the H%&& doesn't?? Ok that is so not me, but I am so hurt and angry.
It hurts that these people that I love so much, hate me so much. Want nothing to do with me. put up with me because they have to at family functions. Will not come to my house if I am not there. Do not want me at their house. Think that we shouldn't be married. This after said person, said they were not part of summer mess, who was, but I was willing because they said they wanted to be part of my life again, back into my life. Well, stab in the back. This probably to keep tabs on and have "ammo" to use later as to why we should not be married and how I am not taking care of him.
They don't know all of what PTSD is, or what it entails. And certainly do NOT know what it is specifically to him. They say, he should just get over. And that he is using it as a crutch. AARRGGG And this only feeds into his paranoia more. They have no idea what I deflected for him. No idea what I put up with. Not idea what I go through every day and every night. No idea what it's like to live like this. What is it like to take care of someone who is like this, who is in the middle of a war in a peace zone at home. Who sees it all around him and I get try to help bring him back, keep him here and keep a family and life together at the same time.
This is hard for me since my family is not like this. My family is not judgemental like this. They understand and are supportive. When his family has asked Why are you still with him? My family said, Don't you dare leave him! LOL how is that for a family??? My family gets mad and lets it out and lets it go. Who doesn't get mad? But his... hold it in and let it fester and won't let it go for years sometimes. Apparently I am one of those. So now I am the evil sister in law. ...
We have talked to counselor and arranged for family to meet with them and ask questions and get answers. To learn specifics about him. So far his family members have agreed to meet with counselor. We are working on getting them information to help educate them too. We'll see if this helps. His parents have been very supportive since the end of that summer. I think they realized it was bad near the end. Not to the full extent by any means but some. They have come to realize I think that I am trying to do what's best for him and our family. They still don't understand all his quirks, but they want to and they are the first ones that are going to meet with counselor. They have done some research on their own. I don't know how much and where at but his mom says they have done some.
I know it's a little selfish but I want some recognition out of this. I want them to see, "hey she has it hard." "She has to live with this everyday and doesn't get a break very often." "Hey we only have to deal with this once in awhile and he sucks it up for those short couple hours." "Hey she takes care of everything!"
Because damn, it's not like I don't have anything going on in my life, right??!!! Because migraines everyday, heart problems, thyroid, (which is wicked low right now and took me too long to figure that one out, so it's going to be awhile until my meds can get it kicked back up where it needs to be. So I am so tired I really could sleep all day, if I could), isn't enough! Let's make sure she knows that she's a playing single mom and has to take care of 4 kids, and a household of stuff, and do it on her own, with everyone beating down on her for every tiny thing that is wrong!!
Hopefully baby will stay asleep tonight. Because honey is over at brothers getting drunk and sleeping there tonight so no, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll get up to half watch kiddos so I can sleep for a tiny bit more. OK Venting was needed... now a good cry and sleep.
It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does. I should just let it go and remind myself of these very things above and so therefore let it go, but it hurts! These people who I love so very much, hate me! I thought that after the summer from H@$$, we were starting to get over and put things in the past and they were starting to understand things. Apparently not.
They judge me based on what little they see, what little they know and their feelings in the grief process that they are going through. I am different and put on a mask in front of everyone. Everyone is different in public and in front of people than they are in private. Even in front of their own family. Who the H%&& doesn't?? Ok that is so not me, but I am so hurt and angry.
It hurts that these people that I love so much, hate me so much. Want nothing to do with me. put up with me because they have to at family functions. Will not come to my house if I am not there. Do not want me at their house. Think that we shouldn't be married. This after said person, said they were not part of summer mess, who was, but I was willing because they said they wanted to be part of my life again, back into my life. Well, stab in the back. This probably to keep tabs on and have "ammo" to use later as to why we should not be married and how I am not taking care of him.
They don't know all of what PTSD is, or what it entails. And certainly do NOT know what it is specifically to him. They say, he should just get over. And that he is using it as a crutch. AARRGGG And this only feeds into his paranoia more. They have no idea what I deflected for him. No idea what I put up with. Not idea what I go through every day and every night. No idea what it's like to live like this. What is it like to take care of someone who is like this, who is in the middle of a war in a peace zone at home. Who sees it all around him and I get try to help bring him back, keep him here and keep a family and life together at the same time.
This is hard for me since my family is not like this. My family is not judgemental like this. They understand and are supportive. When his family has asked Why are you still with him? My family said, Don't you dare leave him! LOL how is that for a family??? My family gets mad and lets it out and lets it go. Who doesn't get mad? But his... hold it in and let it fester and won't let it go for years sometimes. Apparently I am one of those. So now I am the evil sister in law. ...
We have talked to counselor and arranged for family to meet with them and ask questions and get answers. To learn specifics about him. So far his family members have agreed to meet with counselor. We are working on getting them information to help educate them too. We'll see if this helps. His parents have been very supportive since the end of that summer. I think they realized it was bad near the end. Not to the full extent by any means but some. They have come to realize I think that I am trying to do what's best for him and our family. They still don't understand all his quirks, but they want to and they are the first ones that are going to meet with counselor. They have done some research on their own. I don't know how much and where at but his mom says they have done some.
I know it's a little selfish but I want some recognition out of this. I want them to see, "hey she has it hard." "She has to live with this everyday and doesn't get a break very often." "Hey we only have to deal with this once in awhile and he sucks it up for those short couple hours." "Hey she takes care of everything!"
Because damn, it's not like I don't have anything going on in my life, right??!!! Because migraines everyday, heart problems, thyroid, (which is wicked low right now and took me too long to figure that one out, so it's going to be awhile until my meds can get it kicked back up where it needs to be. So I am so tired I really could sleep all day, if I could), isn't enough! Let's make sure she knows that she's a playing single mom and has to take care of 4 kids, and a household of stuff, and do it on her own, with everyone beating down on her for every tiny thing that is wrong!!
Hopefully baby will stay asleep tonight. Because honey is over at brothers getting drunk and sleeping there tonight so no, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll get up to half watch kiddos so I can sleep for a tiny bit more. OK Venting was needed... now a good cry and sleep.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Good days
So now there are days that are good. Days where life seems fairly normal. Where nothing goes wrong, or where nothing freaks him out.
I talked to someone at VA about how this is a newer, younger generation of veterans. What we need as wives for support is not an in home nurse, or some equipment for him. What we need it day care when we take our husbands to their appointments, because we have gone through our list of friends and family. What we need is information to give to family who don't live with him 24/7 and don't understand when he wants to lock himself inside on the computer away from everyone. Who don't understand when he says, please call before you come over so I know to expect a knock at the door.
Oh the joys of PTSD.
But things this last week have been pretty good. We have had sick kids, but nothing extreme. Some days it seems like it is just a bad dream. Some days I can pretend that.
I talked to someone at VA about how this is a newer, younger generation of veterans. What we need as wives for support is not an in home nurse, or some equipment for him. What we need it day care when we take our husbands to their appointments, because we have gone through our list of friends and family. What we need is information to give to family who don't live with him 24/7 and don't understand when he wants to lock himself inside on the computer away from everyone. Who don't understand when he says, please call before you come over so I know to expect a knock at the door.
Oh the joys of PTSD.
But things this last week have been pretty good. We have had sick kids, but nothing extreme. Some days it seems like it is just a bad dream. Some days I can pretend that.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The vicious emotional circle
Why is it a vicious emotional circle? And an evil one at that?!!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens? And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream. I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home.
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens? And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream. I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home.
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
This morning's very tired ranting...
Yes I realize that I already posted today, however it was at 3 am (not sure why post says 2?). And then I was still up until 4 am, with little one, who got woken up during Daddy's flashback last night. Not my usual routine and not planning on keep that either! I am usually at 7, today I slept till 7:30. 3 1/2 hrs NOT enough sleep. Nap this afternoon is not an option but a must today. Days like this that I wish all the kids were in school all day. Well I would even settle for 3 yr old being in am kindergarten so I could go back to bed for a few hours. Maybe I can find someone to watch him for a few hours?? Maybe not. I can make it till this afternoon and husband can watch him.
Last night I told you about the first flashback this month. Last nights was worse. Which I was going to tell you but after explaining what follows, I think it will have to wait until later, because little one is getting into trouble and I have to get something done today before I collapse tonight.
Let me explain why I do not call the police as some of you may think I should do. And I know I probably should but don't. It makes it complicated to understand, that unless you have been there, in a moment he can be "there" and the next be right back. And for me, that back part, is almost worse. He doesn't remember what just happened. And then I have to explain and then the anguish I have to see on his face. For me it's not about an hour long bout. It's not a drug abuse that leads to physical abuse on me or our children. Or I would have been LONG gone. He knows that I will not put up with that at all. He has been drunk quite a few times, although not as often as when he first got home or when we had our year from Hell (another post for later). But he is a lovey-dovey drunk. He lets go when he is drunk so although I don't like him drinking for personal religious reasons, I don't have a problem with him doing it.
Then there is the issue of by the time the police would get here. By the time I am thinking it might be a good idea it would be over. That time factor again. Although last night might have been the exception.
Then I have found by a personal experience husband had in our neighborhood (with a friends friend of all things) that our police can over react. Which I really don't blame them too much. Here our guys are trained to kill and yes most of them have guns in their homes. We only have 1 and he does NOT know that it's there. It's mine and it's only there partly because I haven't taken it over to my in laws since getting back from my girl friends, where it was at. (And partly because there is someone from his work that I am a little scared will come and do something. He blames my husband for not helping him get bail fast enough after something that happened at home. Long story.) However it is soon going over there as well.
However, so back to overreacting police. (which we know because this is what happened at this other mans house) They have a tendency to call swat when they hear "veteran". The would show up at door, after everything has calmed down, even if I tell 911 that things have defused, because they have to make sure. And he would tell them to go away. And they would tell him, they need to come in and make sure all is ok. And he would most likely tell them to "F** off" and " they have no right to come in" And then they would ask if he has any weapons in the house. He would say, "Maybe". And he would feel threatened and try to defend himself, and we know where that would lead, because we have seen it first hand. It ends up in arrest and jail for terrorist activity, (because veterans "are crazy and dangerous". Thank you government (insert plenty of sarcasm here). AARRRR.), threatening an officer and I don't remember what else. Jail time for about a year before it even went to court, at which time the only thing stuck was threatening an officer. But when you see swat surrounding your house, and you are a veteran with PTSD and see that out of the corner of your eye, what do you do? You flashback and barricade yourself in your house and threaten an officer. Oh DUH! S..I..G..H
Then police involvement would complicate things so much more in the future. The next a call is made, it will pop up on their screen and they will come with their guns ready just in case, no matter what the call. Already because of medical issues I have had, I have fallen down the stairs numerous times, to which he wasn't even home for the last two, but he came home and then called 911. And the last boy did he get a ring through from the police. I am not sure if they talked to the kids and they explained that Daddy was gone. But we all already know they keep records and they can see what calls have been responded to at a house.
Then would he really get the help that he needs. He would get thrown in jail. Let's be honest, he would. And that's not what he needs. He needs to go up to the VA hospital. He would hate me for that too. He does NOT want to go back there! Huge part of why he is so good about taking his meds, even though he detests taking meds. If he's bad enough, he would need to go to VA ER and see about if he needs to be admitted, or just needs to calm down. But again, by the time we get there, he would calmed down.
So, let's go over this again. Time... overreacting... police stressing out everytime they come out after that...help that he needs... him mad at me, oh wait, that's nothing new.
He's mad I called and left message for Vet center counselor saying he had really bad flashback and needed to see him. But he won't do it. I really don't do that vey often, only when it's really bad, like last night, and the one earlier this month. He has flashbacks all the time, small ones, but not "bad" ones. LOL I start to laugh as I type that out. My definition outside perspective of bad, is not the same as living it. My outside perspective is what I am talking about, in case any of you with PTSD come across this. Because I have PTSD from abuse when I was a child, so I know that a flashback, no matter how "small" is still a flashback and is bad.
So we'll see how upset is he whenever he wakes up today. Should we take bets on how late in the day that is? His sleep meds that I had him take, although only one pill, because he was taking his clam down med, combined with the other it really knocks him out hard and long. SIGH. I am ok as long as I know that he took them so I don't expect him to get up. So off to play Mommy until he gets up to play Daddy so I can sleep.
Another day, one foot in front on the other.
Last night I told you about the first flashback this month. Last nights was worse. Which I was going to tell you but after explaining what follows, I think it will have to wait until later, because little one is getting into trouble and I have to get something done today before I collapse tonight.
Let me explain why I do not call the police as some of you may think I should do. And I know I probably should but don't. It makes it complicated to understand, that unless you have been there, in a moment he can be "there" and the next be right back. And for me, that back part, is almost worse. He doesn't remember what just happened. And then I have to explain and then the anguish I have to see on his face. For me it's not about an hour long bout. It's not a drug abuse that leads to physical abuse on me or our children. Or I would have been LONG gone. He knows that I will not put up with that at all. He has been drunk quite a few times, although not as often as when he first got home or when we had our year from Hell (another post for later). But he is a lovey-dovey drunk. He lets go when he is drunk so although I don't like him drinking for personal religious reasons, I don't have a problem with him doing it.
Then there is the issue of by the time the police would get here. By the time I am thinking it might be a good idea it would be over. That time factor again. Although last night might have been the exception.
Then I have found by a personal experience husband had in our neighborhood (with a friends friend of all things) that our police can over react. Which I really don't blame them too much. Here our guys are trained to kill and yes most of them have guns in their homes. We only have 1 and he does NOT know that it's there. It's mine and it's only there partly because I haven't taken it over to my in laws since getting back from my girl friends, where it was at. (And partly because there is someone from his work that I am a little scared will come and do something. He blames my husband for not helping him get bail fast enough after something that happened at home. Long story.) However it is soon going over there as well.
However, so back to overreacting police. (which we know because this is what happened at this other mans house) They have a tendency to call swat when they hear "veteran". The would show up at door, after everything has calmed down, even if I tell 911 that things have defused, because they have to make sure. And he would tell them to go away. And they would tell him, they need to come in and make sure all is ok. And he would most likely tell them to "F** off" and " they have no right to come in" And then they would ask if he has any weapons in the house. He would say, "Maybe". And he would feel threatened and try to defend himself, and we know where that would lead, because we have seen it first hand. It ends up in arrest and jail for terrorist activity, (because veterans "are crazy and dangerous". Thank you government (insert plenty of sarcasm here). AARRRR.), threatening an officer and I don't remember what else. Jail time for about a year before it even went to court, at which time the only thing stuck was threatening an officer. But when you see swat surrounding your house, and you are a veteran with PTSD and see that out of the corner of your eye, what do you do? You flashback and barricade yourself in your house and threaten an officer. Oh DUH! S..I..G..H
Then police involvement would complicate things so much more in the future. The next a call is made, it will pop up on their screen and they will come with their guns ready just in case, no matter what the call. Already because of medical issues I have had, I have fallen down the stairs numerous times, to which he wasn't even home for the last two, but he came home and then called 911. And the last boy did he get a ring through from the police. I am not sure if they talked to the kids and they explained that Daddy was gone. But we all already know they keep records and they can see what calls have been responded to at a house.
Then would he really get the help that he needs. He would get thrown in jail. Let's be honest, he would. And that's not what he needs. He needs to go up to the VA hospital. He would hate me for that too. He does NOT want to go back there! Huge part of why he is so good about taking his meds, even though he detests taking meds. If he's bad enough, he would need to go to VA ER and see about if he needs to be admitted, or just needs to calm down. But again, by the time we get there, he would calmed down.
So, let's go over this again. Time... overreacting... police stressing out everytime they come out after that...help that he needs... him mad at me, oh wait, that's nothing new.
He's mad I called and left message for Vet center counselor saying he had really bad flashback and needed to see him. But he won't do it. I really don't do that vey often, only when it's really bad, like last night, and the one earlier this month. He has flashbacks all the time, small ones, but not "bad" ones. LOL I start to laugh as I type that out. My definition outside perspective of bad, is not the same as living it. My outside perspective is what I am talking about, in case any of you with PTSD come across this. Because I have PTSD from abuse when I was a child, so I know that a flashback, no matter how "small" is still a flashback and is bad.
So we'll see how upset is he whenever he wakes up today. Should we take bets on how late in the day that is? His sleep meds that I had him take, although only one pill, because he was taking his clam down med, combined with the other it really knocks him out hard and long. SIGH. I am ok as long as I know that he took them so I don't expect him to get up. So off to play Mommy until he gets up to play Daddy so I can sleep.
Another day, one foot in front on the other.
Starting my online counseling... lol and it's long!
I'm starting. Just needing to get everything out! Out in an anonymous way, that lets me vent and share without worry about hurting him if he reads it. So no real names and no pictures. I don't have time to go to a counselor, so this is going to be my counseling. Maybe just getting it all out instead of holding it all in will help because heaven knows I am at a breaking point. Even though I just had a vacation last month.
VA wanted to do a caregiver survey and said that they would let you know if there was caregiver stress. ROFL!!! I called and left a message, as I was not picked and called for the survey and said, "I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I know I have it and if you have info or help, PLEASE I would LOVE it!!" There isn't any help out there for the spouse/caregiver. I have looked!
They come home and they have a big meeting and tell them, "There is this and this and this program for you. Oh and there's counseling and some sort of programs for you spouses." But they never tell you what they are. And when my husband came home, they had this meeting like 2 days after they got home which was 4 days before Christmas. We were so happy just to have them home, we weren't listening. We were thinking, "Why is God's green earth are you making us sit here all day for a mandatory meeting 2 days before Christmas after not seeing our spouses for a year?!" Now they have the 30/60/90 day program. How I wish we had had that, but how grateful I am that they have that for my friends now.
But I am still looking for that help! I have 4 kids and a husband, who is like another child, sometimes it feels like a very disabled child, that I have to take care. Not to mention taking care of a household. So guess who takes care of all the bills, cleans house and laundry (because heaven knows that I don't always have the energy to make the kids do it like I should), take the kids to their counseling appts (and that's only 2 of them), make sure husband makes it to his appts, make sure I make it to my neurology appts (I suffer from major migraines almost daily, and no this started when I was teenager, but I am sure that stress makes it worse and KNOW that his smoking makes it worse) get kid to band, and probably play practice soon, cook, take care of those little things that need fixing around the house that husband can't seem to fix, (speaking of I noticed the bathroom lights are almost all burnt out.) grocery shop, take the cars in for fixing (which had to have major repair work this month),
I found a great link to page that says EXACTLY what I feel about my husband some days. The VA part is not always true for me. We are pretty lucky where we are. We have had our moments with them, but overall we have been lucky. But the over all perspective of this page is me! Is my life!
http://www.ptsdasoldiersperspective.com/2010/06/letter-of-complaint.html?showComment=1296104728996#c895429616520527423
People ask "How are you guys doing?" Those that know us, I tell them, some days are good and some days are bad and some days are both. I never know. And lately it's been getting worse. I feel like ever since he decided that his VA counselor wasn't doing anything and that he should stop seeing her and just see his counselor at the Vet Center, he has gotten worse. I don't think his vet center counselor really does anything but "pats his hand" and says "yes you have PTSD and everyone should let you do whatever you want". He has reclused more, pulled away from me more, stopped taking me out on dates, been more agitated, started staying up all night or not sleeping at all and therefore being easier to startle and then therefore easier to have flashbacks. Not fun!
The last month he has 2 VERY bad ones. A couple of the worse ones he has ever had. Worse ones he has had at home. One he had a couple weeks ago that lasted probably 15 mins. He thought he was back in Iraq and I was an insurgent. We were talking and I was at the kitchen sink doing dishes. I don't even remember what we were talking about now. He got really quiet all of a sudden. I turned and he was in his own little world. I knew he was gone "back there". Yes if you are a wife of a PTSD soldier, you know. I started talking to him, trying to bring him back. He wasn't responding. I walked slowly over to him, and then he thought I was an insurgent. I slowly called his best friend, who was already coming over for dinner in a bit, and told him I needed him to come over now. Thank goodness, his friend lives only a couple mins away. But he had just gotten home from work and had to change. So in the mean time. Husband made me sit in chair and started to interrogate me. Luckily 3 of 4 children were gone. 4th one luckily did not argue when I told him to get off computer in the other room and go upstairs. And luckily , husband did not freak out when he did. He did, however, freak when said child came back down a few mins later and husband grabbed him. I had to jump up and take him out of his arms and tell child to go back upstairs. Then husband put and I mean put me into a chair in kitchen and starting to interrogate me again. A few more mins and he snapped out of it. And then I asked where he was and he said kitchen. I asked if he knew how I got from sink to the chair. He said, you walked and sat. I had to tell him what had happened. And then he broke down. I had to death grip hold him so he knew that I loved him and was there for him. That it was ok. Then I knew it was time to let him go. I followed him outside and he started to cross the street saying that he shouldn't be around. Luckily that's when his friend pulled up. I quickly explained what happened while we followed him. And then I let his friend take over.
Thank God for his friend! Thank God for his wife! They have been my saviors many times. I'm sure it's hard for her to let him come over sometimes, but she does. And there are times when it's late and he has to work the next day but he still comes. Tonight was a late night! (But that's another post.)
Back to story. 3 kids come home right at that time. And poor little one was scared almost to death. It seems that he is pretty tough though and after a talk, is doing fine. He is dads bud. He is my Iraq baby. Husband didn't get to see him until he was almost a year old. He didn't get to come home for his birth and did not get any leave, at all. Not any in or out of country leave.
I had to explain, as he just turned 6, that daddy thought he was back in Iraq and that we were the bad guys. he almost broke my heart when he said, "I'm not Daddy's best bud anymore?" That was so hard! I told him he would always he his Daddy's best buddy.
Although we all have our own stress and secondary PTSD from the nightmare from the last 5 years. My 2 older children know Daddy from before and Daddy after. They have such a hard time seeing him struggle and hurt. They wish so bad that he was the same as before, for many reasons. They wish he hadn't had to go to war. They wish he didn't have to be the way he is, and that he could be the Daddy he was before. The one that would wrestle with them. The one that would take them out an play with them. The one that would play around and read to them. The one that would go to their programs and activities.
The younger 2, who are 6 and just about 3, only know the after Daddy. They don't know any different. They know (as much as a 3 can) that sometimes he plays and wrestles and sometimes he doesn't. That sometimes he can handle being climbed on and sometimes not. That we aren't suppose to jump around him. How hard is that for a little one? Sigh.
It shouldn't be like this! It's not fair!! (6 yr's favorite saying is lately) No it's not. It's not fair, that he went to a war to help keep our country safe (and yes there were WMD, he saw them), and to help win the freedom of a people who deserve it as much as we do and then to come home broken. It's not fair that we were left at home to hold it together and wait. And then have someone, who is not the husband and Daddy that left, come back to our home, broken and hurting. Someone who, some days I wonder, "why am I still here?" And then the next, "I love him so much!" He's still the husband and Daddy we sent off, he's just broken and hurting and we have to help him. Just like I tell my kids. And we just have to keep loving him.
VA wanted to do a caregiver survey and said that they would let you know if there was caregiver stress. ROFL!!! I called and left a message, as I was not picked and called for the survey and said, "I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I know I have it and if you have info or help, PLEASE I would LOVE it!!" There isn't any help out there for the spouse/caregiver. I have looked!
They come home and they have a big meeting and tell them, "There is this and this and this program for you. Oh and there's counseling and some sort of programs for you spouses." But they never tell you what they are. And when my husband came home, they had this meeting like 2 days after they got home which was 4 days before Christmas. We were so happy just to have them home, we weren't listening. We were thinking, "Why is God's green earth are you making us sit here all day for a mandatory meeting 2 days before Christmas after not seeing our spouses for a year?!" Now they have the 30/60/90 day program. How I wish we had had that, but how grateful I am that they have that for my friends now.
But I am still looking for that help! I have 4 kids and a husband, who is like another child, sometimes it feels like a very disabled child, that I have to take care. Not to mention taking care of a household. So guess who takes care of all the bills, cleans house and laundry (because heaven knows that I don't always have the energy to make the kids do it like I should), take the kids to their counseling appts (and that's only 2 of them), make sure husband makes it to his appts, make sure I make it to my neurology appts (I suffer from major migraines almost daily, and no this started when I was teenager, but I am sure that stress makes it worse and KNOW that his smoking makes it worse) get kid to band, and probably play practice soon, cook, take care of those little things that need fixing around the house that husband can't seem to fix, (speaking of I noticed the bathroom lights are almost all burnt out.) grocery shop, take the cars in for fixing (which had to have major repair work this month),
I found a great link to page that says EXACTLY what I feel about my husband some days. The VA part is not always true for me. We are pretty lucky where we are. We have had our moments with them, but overall we have been lucky. But the over all perspective of this page is me! Is my life!
http://www.ptsdasoldiersperspective.com/2010/06/letter-of-complaint.html?showComment=1296104728996#c895429616520527423
People ask "How are you guys doing?" Those that know us, I tell them, some days are good and some days are bad and some days are both. I never know. And lately it's been getting worse. I feel like ever since he decided that his VA counselor wasn't doing anything and that he should stop seeing her and just see his counselor at the Vet Center, he has gotten worse. I don't think his vet center counselor really does anything but "pats his hand" and says "yes you have PTSD and everyone should let you do whatever you want". He has reclused more, pulled away from me more, stopped taking me out on dates, been more agitated, started staying up all night or not sleeping at all and therefore being easier to startle and then therefore easier to have flashbacks. Not fun!
The last month he has 2 VERY bad ones. A couple of the worse ones he has ever had. Worse ones he has had at home. One he had a couple weeks ago that lasted probably 15 mins. He thought he was back in Iraq and I was an insurgent. We were talking and I was at the kitchen sink doing dishes. I don't even remember what we were talking about now. He got really quiet all of a sudden. I turned and he was in his own little world. I knew he was gone "back there". Yes if you are a wife of a PTSD soldier, you know. I started talking to him, trying to bring him back. He wasn't responding. I walked slowly over to him, and then he thought I was an insurgent. I slowly called his best friend, who was already coming over for dinner in a bit, and told him I needed him to come over now. Thank goodness, his friend lives only a couple mins away. But he had just gotten home from work and had to change. So in the mean time. Husband made me sit in chair and started to interrogate me. Luckily 3 of 4 children were gone. 4th one luckily did not argue when I told him to get off computer in the other room and go upstairs. And luckily , husband did not freak out when he did. He did, however, freak when said child came back down a few mins later and husband grabbed him. I had to jump up and take him out of his arms and tell child to go back upstairs. Then husband put and I mean put me into a chair in kitchen and starting to interrogate me again. A few more mins and he snapped out of it. And then I asked where he was and he said kitchen. I asked if he knew how I got from sink to the chair. He said, you walked and sat. I had to tell him what had happened. And then he broke down. I had to death grip hold him so he knew that I loved him and was there for him. That it was ok. Then I knew it was time to let him go. I followed him outside and he started to cross the street saying that he shouldn't be around. Luckily that's when his friend pulled up. I quickly explained what happened while we followed him. And then I let his friend take over.
Thank God for his friend! Thank God for his wife! They have been my saviors many times. I'm sure it's hard for her to let him come over sometimes, but she does. And there are times when it's late and he has to work the next day but he still comes. Tonight was a late night! (But that's another post.)
Back to story. 3 kids come home right at that time. And poor little one was scared almost to death. It seems that he is pretty tough though and after a talk, is doing fine. He is dads bud. He is my Iraq baby. Husband didn't get to see him until he was almost a year old. He didn't get to come home for his birth and did not get any leave, at all. Not any in or out of country leave.
I had to explain, as he just turned 6, that daddy thought he was back in Iraq and that we were the bad guys. he almost broke my heart when he said, "I'm not Daddy's best bud anymore?" That was so hard! I told him he would always he his Daddy's best buddy.
Although we all have our own stress and secondary PTSD from the nightmare from the last 5 years. My 2 older children know Daddy from before and Daddy after. They have such a hard time seeing him struggle and hurt. They wish so bad that he was the same as before, for many reasons. They wish he hadn't had to go to war. They wish he didn't have to be the way he is, and that he could be the Daddy he was before. The one that would wrestle with them. The one that would take them out an play with them. The one that would play around and read to them. The one that would go to their programs and activities.
The younger 2, who are 6 and just about 3, only know the after Daddy. They don't know any different. They know (as much as a 3 can) that sometimes he plays and wrestles and sometimes he doesn't. That sometimes he can handle being climbed on and sometimes not. That we aren't suppose to jump around him. How hard is that for a little one? Sigh.
It shouldn't be like this! It's not fair!! (6 yr's favorite saying is lately) No it's not. It's not fair, that he went to a war to help keep our country safe (and yes there were WMD, he saw them), and to help win the freedom of a people who deserve it as much as we do and then to come home broken. It's not fair that we were left at home to hold it together and wait. And then have someone, who is not the husband and Daddy that left, come back to our home, broken and hurting. Someone who, some days I wonder, "why am I still here?" And then the next, "I love him so much!" He's still the husband and Daddy we sent off, he's just broken and hurting and we have to help him. Just like I tell my kids. And we just have to keep loving him.
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