Why is it that people who don't live the life, think that they know and can judge you? They don't know what goes on behind closed doors. They don't live with you 24/7. They don't see everything, hear everything, know everything. So how can they judge whether you are taking good enough care of him or not? Whether what you are doing is good for him or not??
It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does. I should just let it go and remind myself of these very things above and so therefore let it go, but it hurts! These people who I love so very much, hate me! I thought that after the summer from H@$$, we were starting to get over and put things in the past and they were starting to understand things. Apparently not.
They judge me based on what little they see, what little they know and their feelings in the grief process that they are going through. I am different and put on a mask in front of everyone. Everyone is different in public and in front of people than they are in private. Even in front of their own family. Who the H%&& doesn't?? Ok that is so not me, but I am so hurt and angry.
It hurts that these people that I love so much, hate me so much. Want nothing to do with me. put up with me because they have to at family functions. Will not come to my house if I am not there. Do not want me at their house. Think that we shouldn't be married. This after said person, said they were not part of summer mess, who was, but I was willing because they said they wanted to be part of my life again, back into my life. Well, stab in the back. This probably to keep tabs on and have "ammo" to use later as to why we should not be married and how I am not taking care of him.
They don't know all of what PTSD is, or what it entails. And certainly do NOT know what it is specifically to him. They say, he should just get over. And that he is using it as a crutch. AARRGGG And this only feeds into his paranoia more. They have no idea what I deflected for him. No idea what I put up with. Not idea what I go through every day and every night. No idea what it's like to live like this. What is it like to take care of someone who is like this, who is in the middle of a war in a peace zone at home. Who sees it all around him and I get try to help bring him back, keep him here and keep a family and life together at the same time.
This is hard for me since my family is not like this. My family is not judgemental like this. They understand and are supportive. When his family has asked Why are you still with him? My family said, Don't you dare leave him! LOL how is that for a family??? My family gets mad and lets it out and lets it go. Who doesn't get mad? But his... hold it in and let it fester and won't let it go for years sometimes. Apparently I am one of those. So now I am the evil sister in law. ...
We have talked to counselor and arranged for family to meet with them and ask questions and get answers. To learn specifics about him. So far his family members have agreed to meet with counselor. We are working on getting them information to help educate them too. We'll see if this helps. His parents have been very supportive since the end of that summer. I think they realized it was bad near the end. Not to the full extent by any means but some. They have come to realize I think that I am trying to do what's best for him and our family. They still don't understand all his quirks, but they want to and they are the first ones that are going to meet with counselor. They have done some research on their own. I don't know how much and where at but his mom says they have done some.
I know it's a little selfish but I want some recognition out of this. I want them to see, "hey she has it hard." "She has to live with this everyday and doesn't get a break very often." "Hey we only have to deal with this once in awhile and he sucks it up for those short couple hours." "Hey she takes care of everything!"
Because damn, it's not like I don't have anything going on in my life, right??!!! Because migraines everyday, heart problems, thyroid, (which is wicked low right now and took me too long to figure that one out, so it's going to be awhile until my meds can get it kicked back up where it needs to be. So I am so tired I really could sleep all day, if I could), isn't enough! Let's make sure she knows that she's a playing single mom and has to take care of 4 kids, and a household of stuff, and do it on her own, with everyone beating down on her for every tiny thing that is wrong!!
Hopefully baby will stay asleep tonight. Because honey is over at brothers getting drunk and sleeping there tonight so no, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll get up to half watch kiddos so I can sleep for a tiny bit more. OK Venting was needed... now a good cry and sleep.
