Been too long, and I hate the 4th this year.

So it's been way, way too long since a post. But life has been crazy. There are times where I don't even get to check my email. Or thank goodness for mobile email and facebook because its sometimes 1 am and I quick check things before falling asleep.
Things have been pretty calm. We did have a trip to Ft Carson for an evaluation with the VA, which was a joke. I love that the military and VA are trying to work together and make it a streamline process for our soldiers but for us... it was a waste of tax payers money. But a nice little vacation, although kind of a stressful one, for us.
Because we have already done VA process here and he already has a rating, it was redundant for him to do it again. But they said they were "specially trained". HA! The dr sat him down and asked him questions about what was bothering him and how long it had been going on, how he had hurt himself, and then sat him on the table and looked in his ears, nose, throat, and set us on our way. To a civilian eye dr, who dilated his eye to check them. And that was it! Not even all what they said they were going to do. And everything they did, was already in his file. So they paid for 2 soldiers, because they had to send an escort with my husband (that's a whole other little post as to why) via plane, hotel for 2 nights for them, in 2 rooms because they don't put soldiers together, and car rental. Sometimes I just want to take over the government and take care of some serious stupid things like this. I bet some of us could find plenty of money that is wasted that could be well spent and still balance the budget! SIGH!

And the 4th.... sigh.... So I love the 4th. I love the meaning behind it. I love the patriotism. I love the family activities, parades, BBQs. I love the fireworks... usually. So far this year, I'm not loving it so much. The fireworks have been so loud and so often this year around our house that it has not been good for my husband. Most of the time if he knows they are coming he is ok. But they were so loud and they were going until after midnight last night. It was awful. And he wouldn't go to sleep last night. So now, he is still fighting going to sleep, because he doesn't want the nightmares. But if he stays up, it will be 10 times worse tonight. He gets on edge and every little sound sets him off. I'm worried that tonight is going to have a bad flashback episode.
And it's hard when people around us don't understand that. Someone responded when he said he used to like the 4th, that we could come hang with them. Be a part of the parade and fireworks and all of it. LOL What this person has no understanding of, is what all of that does to him, what it reminds him of. Then a friend, who does understand, put up a post after and so wonderfully put in a way that shouldn't offend. Saying that she understands that the fireworks remind him of where he was. I love that friend! If I had put something like that up, I would be more of the evil wife, but she could put it up and this other person might go, "Oh.. I hadn't thought of that" and be ok.
My sister in law is coming in from out of town and we are all suppose to sleep over at in laws tonight. In laws have a big flag ceremony in the morning, bright and early. We probably wouldn't sleep over anyway, because its so crazy with that many people and we live close enough anyway. But I asked if they would take kids because of him. I don't know if they will, just because it's already going to be so crazy with everyone else. But we'll see. Even if they will just take older ones because they can take care of themselves, and I can get youngest to sleep and he'll stay asleep. I worry if husband has flashback that it will scare the kids. They haven't seen a bad one, just the ones where he is spacey and snaps out of it ready to spring, mostly. (Except for our one child a few months ago.) But these upset the older ones a lot. They worry about him a lot.
I just want him to sleep. Take his meds and sleep... Is that too much to ask? Tomorrow, flag ceremony, lots of family until he can't handle it anymore, take him home and then the kids and I will go to friends for BBQ and watch fireworks and come home. Hopefully he will play his computer and be ok. But I can't stop my life and the kids for him. we can't stop living all the time for him. He has to learn to get better. He has to do it himself. I can't do it for him. I can't make him better. I  have to keep reminding myself of that. Only he can.

People judging what they don't know

Why is it that people who don't live the life, think that they know and can judge you? They don't know what goes on behind closed doors. They don't live with you 24/7. They don't see everything, hear everything, know everything. So how can they judge whether you are taking good enough care of him or not? Whether what you are doing is good for him or not??
It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does. I should just let it go and remind myself of these very things above and so therefore let it go, but it hurts! These people who I love so very much, hate me! I thought that after the summer from H@$$, we were starting to get over and put things in the past and they were starting to understand things. Apparently not.
They judge me based on what little they see, what little they know and their feelings in the grief process that they are going through. I am different and put on a mask in front of everyone.  Everyone is different in public and in front of people than they are in private. Even in front of their own family. Who the H%&& doesn't?? Ok that is so not me, but I am so hurt and angry.
It hurts that these people that I love so much, hate me so much. Want nothing to do with me. put up with me because they have to at family functions. Will not come to my house if I am not there. Do not want me at their house. Think that we shouldn't be married. This after said person, said they were not part of summer mess, who was, but I was willing because they said they wanted to be part of my life again, back into my life. Well, stab in the back. This probably to keep tabs on and have "ammo" to use later as to why we should not be married and how I am not taking care of him.
They don't know all of what PTSD is, or what it entails. And certainly do NOT know what it is specifically to him. They say, he should just get over. And that he is using it as a crutch. AARRGGG And this only feeds into his paranoia more. They have no idea what I deflected for him. No idea what I put up with. Not idea what I go through every day and every night. No idea what it's like to live like this. What is it like to take care of someone who is like this, who is in the middle of a war in a peace zone at home. Who sees it all around him and I get try to help bring him back, keep him here and keep a family and life together at the same time.
This is hard for me since my family is not like this. My family is not judgemental like this. They understand and are supportive. When his family has asked Why are you still with him? My family said, Don't you dare leave him! LOL how is that for a family??? My family gets mad and lets it out and lets it go. Who doesn't get mad? But his... hold it in and let it fester and won't let it go for years sometimes. Apparently I am one of those. So now I am the evil sister in law. ...
We have talked to counselor and arranged for family to meet with them and ask questions and get answers. To learn specifics about him. So far his family members have agreed to meet with counselor. We are working on getting them information to help educate them too. We'll see if this helps. His parents have been very supportive since the end of that summer. I think they realized it was bad near the end. Not to the full extent by any means but some. They have come to realize I think that I am trying to do what's best for him and our family. They still don't understand all his quirks, but they want to and they are the first ones that are going to meet with counselor. They have done some research on their own. I don't know how much and where at but his mom says they have done some.
I know it's a little selfish but I want some recognition out of this. I want them to see, "hey she has it hard." "She has to live with this everyday and doesn't get a break very often." "Hey we only have to deal with this once in awhile and he sucks it up for those short couple hours." "Hey she takes care of everything!"
Because damn, it's not like I don't have anything going on in my life, right??!!! Because migraines everyday, heart problems, thyroid, (which is wicked low right now and took me too long to figure that one out, so it's going to be awhile until my meds can get it kicked back up where it needs to be. So I am so tired I really could sleep all day, if I could), isn't enough! Let's make sure she knows that she's a playing single mom and has to take care of 4 kids, and a household of stuff, and do it on her own, with everyone beating down on her for every tiny thing that is wrong!!
Hopefully baby will stay asleep tonight. Because honey is over at brothers getting drunk and sleeping there tonight so no, maybe I'll get lucky and he'll get up to half watch kiddos so I can sleep for a tiny bit more.  OK Venting was needed... now a good cry and sleep.

Good days

So now there are days that are good. Days where life seems fairly normal. Where nothing goes wrong, or where nothing freaks him out.
I talked to someone at VA about how this is a newer, younger generation of veterans. What we need as wives for support is not an in home nurse, or some equipment for him. What we need it day care when we take our husbands to their appointments, because we have gone through our list of friends and family. What we need is information to give to family who don't live with him 24/7 and don't understand when he wants to lock himself inside on the computer away from everyone. Who don't understand when he says, please call before you come over so I know to expect a knock at the door.
Oh the joys of PTSD.
But things this last week have been pretty good. We have had sick kids, but nothing extreme. Some days it seems like it is just a bad dream. Some days I can pretend that.

The vicious emotional circle

Why is it a vicious emotional circle? And an evil one at that?!!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens?  And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream.  I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home. 
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!