So it's been way, way too long since a post. But life has been crazy. There are times where I don't even get to check my email. Or thank goodness for mobile email and facebook because its sometimes 1 am and I quick check things before falling asleep.
Things have been pretty calm. We did have a trip to Ft Carson for an evaluation with the VA, which was a joke. I love that the military and VA are trying to work together and make it a streamline process for our soldiers but for us... it was a waste of tax payers money. But a nice little vacation, although kind of a stressful one, for us.
Because we have already done VA process here and he already has a rating, it was redundant for him to do it again. But they said they were "specially trained". HA! The dr sat him down and asked him questions about what was bothering him and how long it had been going on, how he had hurt himself, and then sat him on the table and looked in his ears, nose, throat, and set us on our way. To a civilian eye dr, who dilated his eye to check them. And that was it! Not even all what they said they were going to do. And everything they did, was already in his file. So they paid for 2 soldiers, because they had to send an escort with my husband (that's a whole other little post as to why) via plane, hotel for 2 nights for them, in 2 rooms because they don't put soldiers together, and car rental. Sometimes I just want to take over the government and take care of some serious stupid things like this. I bet some of us could find plenty of money that is wasted that could be well spent and still balance the budget! SIGH!
And the 4th.... sigh.... So I love the 4th. I love the meaning behind it. I love the patriotism. I love the family activities, parades, BBQs. I love the fireworks... usually. So far this year, I'm not loving it so much. The fireworks have been so loud and so often this year around our house that it has not been good for my husband. Most of the time if he knows they are coming he is ok. But they were so loud and they were going until after midnight last night. It was awful. And he wouldn't go to sleep last night. So now, he is still fighting going to sleep, because he doesn't want the nightmares. But if he stays up, it will be 10 times worse tonight. He gets on edge and every little sound sets him off. I'm worried that tonight is going to have a bad flashback episode.
And it's hard when people around us don't understand that. Someone responded when he said he used to like the 4th, that we could come hang with them. Be a part of the parade and fireworks and all of it. LOL What this person has no understanding of, is what all of that does to him, what it reminds him of. Then a friend, who does understand, put up a post after and so wonderfully put in a way that shouldn't offend. Saying that she understands that the fireworks remind him of where he was. I love that friend! If I had put something like that up, I would be more of the evil wife, but she could put it up and this other person might go, "Oh.. I hadn't thought of that" and be ok.
My sister in law is coming in from out of town and we are all suppose to sleep over at in laws tonight. In laws have a big flag ceremony in the morning, bright and early. We probably wouldn't sleep over anyway, because its so crazy with that many people and we live close enough anyway. But I asked if they would take kids because of him. I don't know if they will, just because it's already going to be so crazy with everyone else. But we'll see. Even if they will just take older ones because they can take care of themselves, and I can get youngest to sleep and he'll stay asleep. I worry if husband has flashback that it will scare the kids. They haven't seen a bad one, just the ones where he is spacey and snaps out of it ready to spring, mostly. (Except for our one child a few months ago.) But these upset the older ones a lot. They worry about him a lot.
I just want him to sleep. Take his meds and sleep... Is that too much to ask? Tomorrow, flag ceremony, lots of family until he can't handle it anymore, take him home and then the kids and I will go to friends for BBQ and watch fireworks and come home. Hopefully he will play his computer and be ok. But I can't stop my life and the kids for him. we can't stop living all the time for him. He has to learn to get better. He has to do it himself. I can't do it for him. I can't make him better. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Only he can.
Showing posts with label VA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label VA. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Good days
So now there are days that are good. Days where life seems fairly normal. Where nothing goes wrong, or where nothing freaks him out.
I talked to someone at VA about how this is a newer, younger generation of veterans. What we need as wives for support is not an in home nurse, or some equipment for him. What we need it day care when we take our husbands to their appointments, because we have gone through our list of friends and family. What we need is information to give to family who don't live with him 24/7 and don't understand when he wants to lock himself inside on the computer away from everyone. Who don't understand when he says, please call before you come over so I know to expect a knock at the door.
Oh the joys of PTSD.
But things this last week have been pretty good. We have had sick kids, but nothing extreme. Some days it seems like it is just a bad dream. Some days I can pretend that.
I talked to someone at VA about how this is a newer, younger generation of veterans. What we need as wives for support is not an in home nurse, or some equipment for him. What we need it day care when we take our husbands to their appointments, because we have gone through our list of friends and family. What we need is information to give to family who don't live with him 24/7 and don't understand when he wants to lock himself inside on the computer away from everyone. Who don't understand when he says, please call before you come over so I know to expect a knock at the door.
Oh the joys of PTSD.
But things this last week have been pretty good. We have had sick kids, but nothing extreme. Some days it seems like it is just a bad dream. Some days I can pretend that.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The vicious emotional circle
Why is it a vicious emotional circle? And an evil one at that?!!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens? And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream. I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home.
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens? And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream. I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home.
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!
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