The vicious emotional circle

Why is it a vicious emotional circle? And an evil one at that?!!
I can't be myself because, as someone put it, I need to mirror him. To watch how he is and then be able to adjust to his mood and behavior, so it's the same. If things are too loud, get them to quiet down and keep myself quiet as well. If there are too many people around, to remove them, if possible, or leave, if possible, or move ourselves to where is best for him. This is mirroring for lack of a better description.
And then there is the I am overwhelmed factor in the relationship. Because PTSD has a way of making little things seem overwhelming to him, it stresses him out and then he just shuts down and won't do them. Which then leaves it for me to do. Sometimes simple things like just putting his own clothes away can seem overwhelming if it's been awhile since I have been able to get to our laundry after the kids.
And if you have not had PTSD it can be hard to understand how little things can be so overwhelming and depressing. People who don't live with someone with PTSD I don't think understand this at all. Maybe there are some that do. But unless you have lived with it 24/7, you don't understand the extent of it. It can be so frustrating to have someone right there, who used to do all those little things, without even thinking, to now do nothing! Even when I tell him exactly what I need....
So tonight he had a conversation with his dad. His dad told him that he thinks husband uses PTSD as a crutch sometimes. To this, he asks me if I think this is true. ........
And just how am I suppose to answer this one??? For those who have had their spouse living with severe PTSD for quite sometime, just how am I suppose to answer that and not have it be a catch 22?
So needless to say, it's been a long day, of cleaning and fixing things around the house, and children who were at this point, being cranky for dinner, which was on the stove, and I said do you really want to know? ..... Well it led to me letting a bunch out, that I hate to let out, because it always leads to him feeling like he is the most awful person, and getting all depressed, and then withdrawing even more, and then making things worse. And I did tell him what I did appreciate, but of course all he heard was the bad, because he said. Do I do anything right? I said, were you not just listening?? And so I tell him I am done. But he keeps going and telling me he wants to hear it all and let me get it all out. I just want to be left alone so I can bury it again until later, when I am alone and cry by myself.
But no, he just keeps bugging me. So I let a little more out, just basically repeating, so he'll feel like I got more out so he'll leave me alone. Then what happens?  And when I tell him that what I really need is him to hold me and tell me he loves me... nothing. He goes upstairs, all hurt and depressed. Later he says, he just couldn't. In my head I know, it's because I just hurt him, so of course he couldn't. But even when I haven't said anything and I tell him exactly what I need, it doesn't happen. He asks me, what do you want, need? But then when I tell him.. So I just don't tell him, because why? It doesn't do any good. sigh......
I hate fighting! I hate feeling like this!!! I know so far this blog sounds all whinny. And to be honest it is. But we do have our good days too. Just the last week or month, more? I have just wanted to scream.  I'm at my wist end. I look around the house and it's driving me crazy! I look around at everything that I have to do and it's driving me crazy.
I almost forgot to pay the phone and utilities today!! This month I would have been late on car payment had we not put a little extra on every month. I have never been late on that before! I can't keep up!!
VA sent a letter saying that they were going to be doing some surveys of some caregivers of veterans for some study and at the end if they felt there was caregiver stress they would provide information to help with that. LOL I called them and said, I don't need anyone to tell me I have caregiver stress. I KNOW I have it!! Please give me information on programs and help!!!! So I talked to a guy at VA about how I am feeling so overwhelmed and he went over some of the programs, which none of them will work for our situation. Husband doesn't need a nurse to come sit and give him care while I get some free time. He doesn't need any medical equipment brought into the home. 
What I need is someone to watch my little ones so I can go grocery shopping and not take them or worry about hubby stressing with them while I am gone. What I need is a daycare for free when I take him to his appts up at VA, for when my list of friends is gone through, or it's last min that I find out he has appt. or friend that I had set up gets sick. What I need is information I can give his family so they more fully can understand PTSD and what it means.
....... What I need is my husband back!