Yes I realize that I already posted today, however it was at 3 am (not sure why post says 2?). And then I was still up until 4 am, with little one, who got woken up during Daddy's flashback last night. Not my usual routine and not planning on keep that either! I am usually at 7, today I slept till 7:30. 3 1/2 hrs NOT enough sleep. Nap this afternoon is not an option but a must today. Days like this that I wish all the kids were in school all day. Well I would even settle for 3 yr old being in am kindergarten so I could go back to bed for a few hours. Maybe I can find someone to watch him for a few hours?? Maybe not. I can make it till this afternoon and husband can watch him.
Last night I told you about the first flashback this month. Last nights was worse. Which I was going to tell you but after explaining what follows, I think it will have to wait until later, because little one is getting into trouble and I have to get something done today before I collapse tonight.
Let me explain why I do not call the police as some of you may think I should do. And I know I probably should but don't. It makes it complicated to understand, that unless you have been there, in a moment he can be "there" and the next be right back. And for me, that back part, is almost worse. He doesn't remember what just happened. And then I have to explain and then the anguish I have to see on his face. For me it's not about an hour long bout. It's not a drug abuse that leads to physical abuse on me or our children. Or I would have been LONG gone. He knows that I will not put up with that at all. He has been drunk quite a few times, although not as often as when he first got home or when we had our year from Hell (another post for later). But he is a lovey-dovey drunk. He lets go when he is drunk so although I don't like him drinking for personal religious reasons, I don't have a problem with him doing it.
Then there is the issue of by the time the police would get here. By the time I am thinking it might be a good idea it would be over. That time factor again. Although last night might have been the exception.
Then I have found by a personal experience husband had in our neighborhood (with a friends friend of all things) that our police can over react. Which I really don't blame them too much. Here our guys are trained to kill and yes most of them have guns in their homes. We only have 1 and he does NOT know that it's there. It's mine and it's only there partly because I haven't taken it over to my in laws since getting back from my girl friends, where it was at. (And partly because there is someone from his work that I am a little scared will come and do something. He blames my husband for not helping him get bail fast enough after something that happened at home. Long story.) However it is soon going over there as well.
However, so back to overreacting police. (which we know because this is what happened at this other mans house) They have a tendency to call swat when they hear "veteran". The would show up at door, after everything has calmed down, even if I tell 911 that things have defused, because they have to make sure. And he would tell them to go away. And they would tell him, they need to come in and make sure all is ok. And he would most likely tell them to "F** off" and " they have no right to come in" And then they would ask if he has any weapons in the house. He would say, "Maybe". And he would feel threatened and try to defend himself, and we know where that would lead, because we have seen it first hand. It ends up in arrest and jail for terrorist activity, (because veterans "are crazy and dangerous". Thank you government (insert plenty of sarcasm here). AARRRR.), threatening an officer and I don't remember what else. Jail time for about a year before it even went to court, at which time the only thing stuck was threatening an officer. But when you see swat surrounding your house, and you are a veteran with PTSD and see that out of the corner of your eye, what do you do? You flashback and barricade yourself in your house and threaten an officer. Oh DUH! S..I..G..H
Then police involvement would complicate things so much more in the future. The next a call is made, it will pop up on their screen and they will come with their guns ready just in case, no matter what the call. Already because of medical issues I have had, I have fallen down the stairs numerous times, to which he wasn't even home for the last two, but he came home and then called 911. And the last boy did he get a ring through from the police. I am not sure if they talked to the kids and they explained that Daddy was gone. But we all already know they keep records and they can see what calls have been responded to at a house.
Then would he really get the help that he needs. He would get thrown in jail. Let's be honest, he would. And that's not what he needs. He needs to go up to the VA hospital. He would hate me for that too. He does NOT want to go back there! Huge part of why he is so good about taking his meds, even though he detests taking meds. If he's bad enough, he would need to go to VA ER and see about if he needs to be admitted, or just needs to calm down. But again, by the time we get there, he would calmed down.
So, let's go over this again. Time... overreacting... police stressing out everytime they come out after that...help that he needs... him mad at me, oh wait, that's nothing new.
He's mad I called and left message for Vet center counselor saying he had really bad flashback and needed to see him. But he won't do it. I really don't do that vey often, only when it's really bad, like last night, and the one earlier this month. He has flashbacks all the time, small ones, but not "bad" ones. LOL I start to laugh as I type that out. My definition outside perspective of bad, is not the same as living it. My outside perspective is what I am talking about, in case any of you with PTSD come across this. Because I have PTSD from abuse when I was a child, so I know that a flashback, no matter how "small" is still a flashback and is bad.
So we'll see how upset is he whenever he wakes up today. Should we take bets on how late in the day that is? His sleep meds that I had him take, although only one pill, because he was taking his clam down med, combined with the other it really knocks him out hard and long. SIGH. I am ok as long as I know that he took them so I don't expect him to get up. So off to play Mommy until he gets up to play Daddy so I can sleep.
Another day, one foot in front on the other.
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